Sometimes the ugly attitude of my heart takes over, starts
to fester and infects those around me with the speed of a deadly disease. Usually,
I see the symptoms of this toxic ailment when I catch the look of frustration, confusion
and hurt on my family’s faces. My mother’s saying comes to mind, “When you
think it’s everyone else, it’s probably you!” How true. When I was a teen, my
wise mother sent me to my room or outside to give me space to work out my
feelings. As a grown up it’s not easy to contain myself. Sometimes, I wish
for a good old fashion time out in the corner where no one is allowed to talk
to me because I am “in trouble”!
This morning is one of those “toxic” times. I snapped at my
daughter not once but twice, I felt like getting in a fight with my spouse for
no good reason and the antics of my children brought frustration instead of
smiles to my heart. Yet I feel a pull like gravity, to seek JOY. I just don’t know
quite how to “pull yourself together and make the best of it”, like my husband
advised or “stop being grumpy!” as my children demand. Guilt
washes in and the “should” over take. “You should have more patience!”, “You
should be able to just brush this off, what’s the big deal anyway?” “You should
go to church with your family because you will be embarrassed when the kids say
you're home in a bad mood” and so on.
Not sure what is right or wrong, I simply stay home to the disappointment of my children and husband knowing I have failed them again. I struggle to make heads or tails of my jumbled up heart.
I sit here and type with the sweet scent of September air filling
my sunlit bedroom and the sound of a Flicker at the bird feeder below my window
drifts up with a cheery tune. I sift through guilt, expectations (both my own
and others) and I listen for the Spirit’s soft sure voice. It comes, breaking
through the swirls of thoughts and emotion, “I Love you, mess and all!” I cry
tears of relief and pent up jumbled feeling pour out. In His voice I hear no
expectation, no demand or guilt. I know that the mess I am in doesn’t confuse
him. He whispers his words of love and I know the despair of being a hopeless cause is not his
words. “I am the Potter you are the clay” He reminds. I sink back
into the hands that shape, smooth and graft my heart knowing he will fill it with himself.
I laugh and tell God “My eyes must be going again Lord, I
so easily lose your perspective these days. Thank you for not being lost in my
mess! Thank you for gently shaping and forming my heart. For caring enough to delight
instead of despair in the weaknesses and flaws that mar me!"
I take a min. to see the JOYS that are all around me....
Because there's just so much to be thankful for:
3 gifts paired.
Little E's small black boots
My hands in Hubby's work toughen hands
My family's Eyes, windows into the soul
....How can I not be thankful with so many blessings of love?
The stillness is interrupted by the loud happy clamor of my children; they're home. My hour of time alone is up and it's time to leave this quiet space. I know
I will find myself again getting so caught-up spinning that I don't feel The Potters hands softening and shaping. Today, I will likely have to stop before I open my mouth lest any
lingering toxin remains and spills out. But the reminder that I am loved, mess and all, will hold
me up and strengthens me to love on those around me with JOY! The hands
of my Father are ever on me and as the scripture says:
“Have no fear, for I am with you; do not be looking about
in trouble, for I am your God; I will give you strength, yes, I will be
your helper; yes, my true right hand will be your support.” Isaiah 41:10
