Potters clay

Sometimes the ugly attitude of my heart takes over, starts to fester and infects those around me with the speed of a deadly disease. Usually, I see the symptoms of this toxic ailment when I catch the look of frustration, confusion and hurt on my family’s faces. My mother’s saying comes to mind, “When you think it’s everyone else, it’s probably you!” How true. When I was a teen, my wise mother sent me to my room or outside to give me space to work out my feelings. As a grown up it’s not easy to contain myself. Sometimes, I wish for a good old fashion time out in the corner where no one is allowed to talk to me because I am “in trouble”!

This morning is one of those “toxic” times. I snapped at my daughter not once but twice, I felt like getting in a fight with my spouse for no good reason and the antics of my children brought frustration instead of smiles to my heart. Yet I feel a pull like gravity, to seek JOY. I just don’t know quite how to “pull yourself together and make the best of it”, like my husband advised or “stop being grumpy!” as my children demand. Guilt washes in and the “should” over take. “You should have more patience!”, “You should be able to just brush this off, what’s the big deal anyway?” “You should go to church with your family because you will be embarrassed when the kids say you're home in a bad mood” and so on. 

Not sure what is right or wrong, I simply stay home to the disappointment of my children and husband knowing I have failed them again. I struggle to make heads or tails of my jumbled up heart.

I sit here and type with the sweet scent of September air filling my sunlit bedroom and the sound of a Flicker at the bird feeder below my window drifts up with a cheery tune. I sift through guilt, expectations (both my own and others) and I listen for the Spirit’s soft sure voice. It comes, breaking through the swirls of thoughts and emotion, “I Love you, mess and all!” I cry tears of relief and pent up jumbled feeling pour out. In His voice I hear no expectation, no demand or guilt. I know that the mess I am in doesn’t confuse him. He whispers his words of love and I know the despair of being a hopeless cause is not his words. “I am the Potter you are the clay” He reminds. I sink back into the hands that shape, smooth and graft my heart knowing he will fill it with himself.

 

I laugh and tell God “My eyes must be going again Lord, I so easily lose your perspective these days. Thank you for not being lost in my mess! Thank you for gently shaping and forming my heart. For caring enough to delight instead of despair in the weaknesses and flaws that mar me!"

 I take a min. to see the JOYS that are all around me....

Because there's just so much to be thankful for:

3 gifts paired.

 Little E's small black boots

 My hands in Hubby's work toughen hands

 My family's Eyes, windows into the soul

 

                         ....How can I not be thankful with so many blessings of love? 

 

The stillness is interrupted by the loud happy clamor of my children; they're home. My hour of time alone is up and it's time to leave this quiet space. I know I will find myself again getting so caught-up spinning that I don't feel The Potters hands softening and shaping. Today, I will likely have to stop before I open my mouth lest any lingering toxin remains and spills out. But the reminder that I am loved, mess and all, will hold me up and strengthens me to love on those around me with JOY! The hands of my Father are ever on me and as the scripture says:

 

 

“Have no fear, for I am with you; do not be looking about in trouble, for I am your God; I will give you strength, yes, I will be your helper; yes, my true right hand will be your support.” Isaiah 41:10